How Quickly Things Can Change... Anger

Anger dwells only in the bosom of fools. -Albert Einstein

Last week at this time I was sitting where I am now. In my living room with the TV on doing homework, I was sipping on tea, chatting with my husband, thinking about what tomorrow would bring. I was very Happy.

Today I am sitting on my couch, homework in my lap but I can not focus on it. It is due tomorrow. I suppose it will be a long night. My husband is in the basement, I assume he is still down there trying to avoid me.

Yesterday I asked him to pick up my brother, who doesn't have a licence, from the hospital, he clearly did not want to and responded by getting angry and went to bed. When I went to bed he did not acknowledge me or say good night.

 Last night was the first time I went to bed without saying good night to him. The first time in three years.

Today I am angry. Today I am upset. Today has been a bad day.

I am angry.

Last week I was happy. Last week I was focused on school. Last week I made a change in my lifestyle, a healthy change.

This week I feel tired. I feel weak. I feel angry. I feel sad.

The stresses which have entered into my life in one week have greatly altered me. They have changed my life, but really for how long? How long will it take before this is all over?

I am angry. 

I thought maybe I should start yoga, but with a job, school and a mother in the hospital that just wont happen.

So I sit in my spot, on my couch, with my tea, my husband in the basement and my head somewhere else and I wonder what next week will bring.

I hope it is strength.

I hope it is courage.

I hope it is peace.

I hope it is not anger. 

Empathy... a daily struggle

The great gift of human beings is that we have the power of empathy. Meryl Streep

Empathy.

People chose to be empathetic or not. I personally believe that it takes great energy to be empathetic. I also believe that some people just do not have the ability, they do not have a mind that will allow them to see other peoples perspectives or to be understanding of others. Some people are just not empathetic.

As a teacher I feel that it is a very valuable and extremely important trait to carry. I have collegues who do not demonstrate empathy towards students, they judge them, they accuse them and they are worse teachers for that.

Today I have struggled with empathy. I have struggled when trying to be understanding, when trying to see it from other peoples point of views. I take pride in the fact that I am willing to wait, to think, to try and understand someone elses point of view. I take pride in the fact that I have empathy skills, I feel for my students, I feel for strangers who are rude to me, to people who do not tip when I waitress, I feel for those people. I wonder about them. I always think what could be going on in their lives to make them act this way towards me. I realize that it is not about me. 


But today empathy had become hard work. 

I am sitting in the hospital. Saturday there was supposed to be surgery- did not happen.

Sunday nothing. Fine. Today, Monday, there was supposed to be a biopsy an MRI, several tests. It is now 11 am, and nothing.

Empathy.

The surgeon came in. At least that is who I assume he was because he did not introduce himself or why he was there. A smaller girl was with him, and she went over the “case” gave him all of the details. When my mother’s last surgeries were, why she was here, the problems she was having.

When he had heard all of this he sat on my mother’s bed and lifted her shirt to feel for “something.” Her scarred and disfigured abdomen was presented. Four surgeries. Four levels of scarring. Four times where they had to use staples to close that area of her body.

He then asked a few questions and said, yes this is bit of a enigma. Said he was going to go look at the tests already done, the cat scan, whatever else they had done and left, the small girl following behind like a puppy.

He was gone. We knew nothing. All we can do is wait.

Empathy.

It was something like a scene from Greys Anatomy coming into the hospital today. I was in the elevator with several different “students” one who dropped her pager and giggled that it would hard to get it to stay on. They were all clearly very excited to be here. Everyone else in the elevator did not have the same sentiments. Everyone else in the elevator was not happy to be there.  I was shocked by their lack of ... lack of i don’t know.. lack of realization... lack of empathy... lack of understanding... just lacking.

The greys Anatomy scenes continued throughout the day, young students all smiles and chatting. When i went down to the cafeteria I saw the large and impressive surgeon sitting chatting on his cell phone while my mother was upstairs. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

Empathy

But then I thought, maybe he was chatting on the phone about my mother. He did say it was a bit of an enigma. Maybe he was consulting someone. Still the smile on his face while he was one the phone was not helping me convince myself. Not helping me to believe the reason he was there, smiling was because he was working. Working to help my mother.

1:32. pm 

The MRI was supposed to happen at 8am. They just came to ask us to fill out some forms so she can start to go down, or the least be on the list. 


Empathy. 

Strength. Hope. Miracles.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot. - Eleanor Roosevelt 

Strength. 

When creating this blog my intentions were to write in it on a continual basis. Everyday if I could. I created this blog on Thursday, put my first entry in and was pleased with how I had started. I went to classes on Friday, my intentions were to come home after school, settle in with a good cup of tea, perhaps a good tv show and write another blog. I was going to write about strength. The strength it was going to take to lose weight, the strength it takes to be living in a place where there are no jobs, the strength that we all have within us. That did not happen. 

Strength. 

On Friday morning my mother, who has Chrons disease, went into the hospital with pain in her stomach. By Friday night she had been admitted into the largest hospital in the city, awaiting immediate surgery. I was told that it was because of her Chrons, something had happened they needed to operate. I later found out this was not true. 

Strength. 

By Saturday morning I made my way to the hospital. They had decided it was not the time to operate and Monday they would be doing a biopsy. A biopsy on what? My father then folded. He told me the truth. They had found several absecces in my mother, they did not know what they were and they needed to find out. Today is Sunday. My mother is drugged up from the pain, which is a good thing, it appears that the surgical team still has not decided what to do. She is still having the biopsy, she will be having many other tests, all we can do is wait. 

Strength. 

Friday afternoon I was thinking about writing in this blog. I was thinking about writing about my recently started weighloss journey and the strength it would take me to follow it through to the end. Today I sit here writing about the strength it will take my family to get through this. The strength to be patient with the doctors and surgeons.The strength it will take to not break down if it is cancer. The strength it will take to beat cancer.

Strength. 

Strength is something we all have within us. It is something that is inherent to our being. It is something that everyone has experienced at one time in our life. It is something that we all need, we all rely upon and we all value. 

Strength is sometimes mysterious. We are always shocked by the physical strength of a mother protecting a child. 

Strength is contagious. When a player sees a team mate use all his strength it inspires him. It inspires him to find all of the strength within himself. 

Strength can be lost. 

Strength can be gained. 

Strength is what I need.
Strength is what I will have.



Hope. Strength. Miracles. 






Because with Hope, with Strength... Miracles Will Blossom 

Hope. My First Blogging Experience

I chose the title "Where Hope Grows Miracles Blossom" for countless reasons. A person could argue that the fact I am even doing this blog is a miracle in itself, for reasons surrounding my technological skill this blog can be seen as hope. It represents Hope for my technological being, that as a teacher, as a person in this every growing and rapidly moving society I will still be able to keep up, I will still be able to relate, to my students, to life, to technology.

I think we all know that this title symbolizes much more then that of my technological skills, it symbolizes everything in my life and everything that I believe in.

Hope. 

In Greek mythology there are several different interpretation of every story, of every myth. The Pandora story is one of cruelty and of revenge, of Zeus punishing humans for Prometheus sins. In one version of the story when Pandora opens the box Hope is the last of the spites, Hope comes out of the box and it is Hope that saves mankind. Without Hope we could not exist in the world with the rest of the spites, with disease, with death, with depression. It is Hope that saves us. It is Hope that keeps us moving forward.

Hope. 

I have had a very fortunate life. I have two supportive parents, countless wonderful family members, I have a wonderful husband I have a community of people around me, I have a good life.

I have a university education, my parents worked very hard to put me through school. We are not rich by any means, but I have had many opportunities in my life. I have travelled across Canada, I have travelled to Asia, I have been very lucky.

I have a good head on my shoulders. I am a logical person, I can have fun but I am also safe and practical. I have been able to gain respect through means of my mind, through means of my intelligence.

I have had many great friendships in my life. I have two friends that I have treated like sisters. Now, in my life, I only have one sister left. I have struggled with these friendships and recently I have begun to give up on many of them.

I am not obese. I am not thin. I have struggled with my weight my Entire Life- I have lost weight, I have gained weight, I have felt great, I have felt worthless.

Hope. 


This blog will encompass my life. It will reflect my daily life, my struggles, my victories, my thoughts and my feelings. Through this outlet I will become stronger, I will self reflect more and I will have Hope.

Hope for the future me.

Hope for what I can become.

Hope that I can show the world how Great I am.

Hope.